Let’s face it: even if you have a rock-solid relationship with your bestie, your fam or others in your life, there might be times when you might be asked (or expected) to do something or behave in a way that just doesn’t feel right to you. Whether it’s taking on extra work (again) in the group project or staying quiet when the babysitting clients to stay out much past the promised time, letting others get away with stuff is getting, well, old. The prob? You’re a people pleaser by nature and hate to say no to *anyone*, yet alone your nearest and dearest. It may even feel mean or selfish. But here’s the truth: It’s not.
Being able to set boundaries—aka an emotional, physical and mental limits you set in various aspects of your life—is a way to stand up for yourself, while making you feel safe, happy and respected in all your relationships. It can feel awkward at first, but remember: the people who care about you will respect your limits. Want to know the how-to? Read on.
The Prob: The Demanding Friend
The Sitch: Lately, your BFF wants expects you to be by her side all.the.time. A trip to the mall when you really need to study for that chem quiz? An after-school club you’re not interested in? A sleepover the night before your basketball tourney? She doesn’t seem to get that your priorities don’t always match, and you can’t drop everything for her.
The Boundary: It’s time to stop following your friend’s agenda and create one of your own. To do so, be honest but kind. Try saying, “I love spending time with you, but I really need to focus on school and take time for myself too. Let’s plan something fun this weekend once I get my stuff done instead!” This way, you’re letting her know you care but also showing that you need space to keep your balance. “If they are real friends for the long haul, they will respect and listen to your needs.” Says Dr. Dr. Karima Clayton, a licensed clinical psychologist in New Jersey, USA.
The Prob: The Prodding Parents
The Sitch: Your parents ask about every little detail in your life, or they come into your room without knocking. Sometimes, you even catch them reading your text messages over your shoulder. They say they’re being protective, but you feel like its an invasion of privacy.
The Boundary: Say something like, “I appreciate you wanting to be involved, but I need a little privacy too. Could you knock before coming in?” or “Sometimes I need space to figure things out myself. I’ll come to you if I need help.” Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you’re pushing your parents away, you’re just giving them a chance to respect your independence and establish an open line of communication, which will prove to be even more important as you get older. This is essential because “We cannot always control a situation, but we can voice our wants and decide how to move forward from there.” Dr. Karima Clayton.
The Prob: The Clueless Client
The Sitch: You love babysitting for your neighbors, except when the parents come home way past the time they told you, which happens just about every other time you ‘sit. Not only are you super-tired from the late nights, but you feel like you’re being taken advantage of when they don’t acknowledge the extra time.
The Boundary: First off, make sure you’re getting paid for the extra time. (If they don’t give you more cash, that’s a red flag that you shouldn’t take on any more gigs). If they are paying you but don’t quite acknowledge the late arrival, address it by saying, “I love babysitting here, but could you let me know if you think you’ll be late? I have my own schedule, so knowing ahead of time helps me plan.” This lets you set the expectation that your time is valuable. Trust: Most parents will appreciate your responsibility and understand your needs.
The Prob: The Lazy Classmate
The Sitch: It seems like you get stuck with the same sort of classmate for every partner project: You know, the one who excuses their way out of all but the minimum amount of work, leaving you to have to work overtime to complete the assignment.
The Boundary: If you’re in the midst of the project and they’re not doing a thing, get that boundary established. Approach the classmate and firmly ask them to respect your time by doing an equal amount of work. Try, “I can’t take on extra work right now, so we have to split things equally.” And if they don’t budge? Explain the sitch to your teacher and ask to be paired with someone else.
The Prob: The Bae Who Doesn’t Understand
The Sitch: Your GF wants to spend all her time with you, or she keeps suggesting things that make you uncomfortable, like moving faster in the relationship than you’re ready for. When you try to explain, she questions or you or says she just doesn’t get it.
The Boundary: Here, you have to be clear and direct, since boundaries in relationships are important for mutual respect. Try saying, “I care about you, but I want to go at a pace that feels right for me. I hope you can respect that.” If she brushes it off again, it’s okay to repeat yourself and set a stronger boundary. “If we’re going to be together, I need to feel heard and comfortable.” If she listens? She’s showing she cares about you and your comfort. If not, you may want to rethink the future of your relationship. “Also, the way someone reacts will tell you a lot about their character; if they get mad at you for communicating, it may be a good idea to step back and reflect on how you feel.” Dr. Karima Clayton.
Bonus!
Tips for Setting Boundaries:
- Take baby steps: You don’t need to make a huge change all at once. Try setting one simple boundary at a time.
- Practice: Sometimes, setting boundaries feels awkward. Journal, make a pros/cons list, and fully flesh out your feelings before you have the actual convo.
- Be kind and considerate: Don’t let your frustrations get the best of you. Be respectful and try not to come at the other person with an accusatory tone.
- Set it and forget it: Once you set a boundary, stick to it! Don’t feel guilty: It’s about your comfort and mental health.
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