Dear Carol,
This morning, I was having an asthma attack, but I was late for class so I had to run for the bell. My friend started calling me and she said she was trying to be nice by waiting for me, but at the time I couldn’t breathe, and she kept saying, “Hurry!” over and over. I told her to stop because it was annoying me. Later during band, she looked upset. I asked her what was wrong, and she said I’ve been really mean to her. I asked her how and she said that I called her annoying. I explained that it was 7 a.m., I was running, I couldn’t breathe and her repeating the same word over and over wasn’t helping. She proceeded to tell me I am always annoying, but she doesn’t say anything. I do always tell people exactly what I’m thinking. Normally, I try to be nice about it, but I understand how I can be annoying sometimes. Like sometimes she will look upset, so I’ll ask her what’s wrong a couple of times. She now refuses to talk to me, and don’t know what to do because I enjoy her company…and I really don’t want to lose her as a friend.
– Friendship Falling Apart
Dear Friendship Falling Apart,
You are smart to make health a priority. Running when having an asthma attack sounds pretty scary. If necessary, text your friend that you didn’t intend to be mean. You can add, “Can we press reset and put all this behind us? I like it better when we get along.” That said, one line in your letter gives me pause: “I always tell people exactly what I’m thinking.” Do you? I don’t. I try to make sure I don’t hurt other people with my words. If someone is driving me crazy, I might think it, but I don’t say it. Or if I’m shopping with a friend for a Valentine’s dance, instead of saying, “That pink dress looks terrible on you,” I might say, “I really love the red dress!” Similarly, instead of saying, “What’s wrong?” over and over, it would be better to lead with an apology or something thoughtful. I know I mentioned this earlier, but “I” statements really do tend to work better than “You” statements in situations like this: “I’m feeling kinda stressed today” is gentler and more civil than “You’re totally stressing me out.” If you want to repair a friendship, don’t make a point of being blunt. Choose your words carefully and make a point of being kind.
Carol Weston is the author of 16 books. The first is Girltalk. The latest is Speed of Life, her novel and audiobook about a 14-year-old girl who writes to an advice columnist. Check out carolweston.com and follow her on Instagram @carolwestonnyc.
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